It's funny you know? How I seem to spend more time each day, planning to do things that I want to do and doing the long list of things that I hate to do.
  
   The all-embracing list of things that I want to do is endless. While the list of things that I need to do seems to overwhelm me from the sheer magnitude of hatrid I nurse for them.

   This post originates from work. As most posts do. Mainly because I am entirely too busy at home to sit down and grind an entry out.

   Does any one have a wife that is as hip as mine that they get frustrated with half as much? My wife is simply too helpful. It has taken a long time for me to understand this. Many long and agonizing days were spent sitting in the one room that I find (sequestering myself away from her) attacking myself with logic and demanding to know why I was frustrated with her.

   She needs to be busy. She needs to feel driven by purpose.

   I.
 
   Simply.

   Do.
 
   Not.

   I understand that if you wait until everything is done in order to carve some time out of your day for yourself, then you will never have time for yourself.

   Everyone needs time to breath. It's necessary. I worry about both of us because she seems to feel that it's not.

   I love her to death and know that she has a heart that is made of Gold. I just wish that I could shake the feeling that she is secretly beating me over the head with that lump of 24 karate bullion in an attempt to convert me to the dark side.

   If you need me I will be practicing my evasion techniques and plotting to overthrow my wife.

      I wonder increasingly and worry constantly about the impact I will leave on this world when I am gone. Will they say;
     
     "There goes a man that left his mark"...or
     
     "That was a man that was loved by many"
     
      I wonder, in esscence, what my mark shall be. I have worked for the Navy for the better part of 13 years. I joined when I was 17 years old, straight out of high school.
    
     Originally it was with the understanding that I was going to get what I could out of the Navy while I got my GI Bill. Then I would get out after four years (A standard enlistment) That first enlistment taught me a lot of things.

     Chief among them was self discipline, self reliance, and Patriotism. Sadly, I was never really a strong advocate of patriotism prior to my joining. I wish that I could say that I was. I won't lie about it though. I hated the idea of possibly dying for my country. Now, I understand the price of freedom, and while I am not anxious to die for it, I would consider it an honor to be counted among the men that have done so.

     What I had failed to learn in those first four years was just how important that initial college education really was. It got put on the backburner for a short while that turned into a long while and before I knew it I was re-enlisting for six more years. After all, I loved the Navy, and I still needed the college right?

     My goals have changed so many times over the last thirteen years that it is difficult to remember just what the initial motivation behind them was. First it was college. I can tell you now, that I knew I wanted it, but if you had asked me why, I would have been at a loss to tell you what I wanted to do with it. I had no great ambitions at the age of 17. Other than get the hell out of my mom and dads house that is.

     I can honestly say that my primary motivations for joining the Navy initially were to become self reliant, see the world, and become the man that I knew I would someday become. The college idea was simply a convenient excuse to pursue all of those intangible goals. It sounded good to my parents, and it looked good on paper.

     Here I am now, thirteen years later and I have accomplished those goals. Minus the college idea. You would think that I would have decided on a career path and gotten going on it with it all by now, but somehow I think deep down that settling on something that hasn't reached up and grabbed me by the roots of my soul would be just that, settling.

     The character that I have. The man that I am. The integrity that I possess. I molded it all myself. The Navy had a hand in it to be sure, and my parents...well...Let's just say that they gave me some pretty decent clay to work with, but I am the architect of the man you would see before you and I can tell you this; I still have no idea who or what I am.

     I have no idea what my purpose is, I have no idea why I am here. Truth be told, I don't even know what I will do outside of the Navy once I retire.

     Thirteen years is a shitload of time people. I wonder when the lightning bolt will strike. When will the future lay itself out before me and show me the path I was created to walk? I worry that it won't. I worry that I am waiting and that I should just start acting. I sometimes tell myself that I need to just get off of my ass and pick something. 

     It is a source of incredible frustration for me to know that I have hit the age of 31 and I am still unsure of what I want to do in this world when my military service is up. Seven years people. That goes in the blink of an eye. Do you pick what your trained to do...or what you like to do?

     I sit here, as the sun goes down tonight, in the twilight of the days end. I watch my shadow as it lengthens, stretching off into infinity. I watch it and I wonder. Is it an omen? Is it larger than the man that I have become? Am I strong enough to choose the right path? Or will my life stretch out into infinity and end with me missing the choices I was created to make?

     
       So it simply figures that I would have an extra hour added to my shift since I got no sleep prior to it. Have you ever tried to operate with sleep deprivation? Caffeen only helps so much...it keeps you awake when you get enough into you, but then it does nothing to take away the relentless exhaustion.

       I am faced with my own hell and it is the "Job"

Joshua

       I'm sitting at a desk at work and trying to imagine being any more tired than I am right now. (A Coke already in me...not really helping, and a Mountain Dew being steadily worked on) I've been awake since 8:00 AM and it is now officially 12:04 AM....not good for the constitution at my age. Thirty one is getting old isn't it? I mean, your not really old - or at least that's what you keep telling yourself - and yet here you are kinda stuck in the twighlight. Let's face it, once you reach thirty...twenty is a distant memory. (Minus a healthy six pack or two mind you, that magically transports anyone back to the age of 18. The age where fear for one's safety and brains were optional). Not only that but these all nighters are kicking my ass. Is that a even a word? "nighters"?. Oh well, it is now.

(Where do you think the new ones come from anyway?)

     I wish that I could say that there was some earth shattering revelation that I felt compelled to communicate to you all, or that I was driven by a greater knowledge that I simply had to share with you in this blog. Buuuuuuuut no. I was just tired and wanted to give you all something interesting to read. Interesting. No small task that.

     I have another 7 and a half hours left to work and then my shift will be over and I can make the Khamakazi dash for home on the Tange with all of the other early morning Italians in my beat up Toyota Corolla slapping my face to keep myself awake the whole drive. It's either a huge blessing or some cosmic comedy that I haven't been in a wreck here in Italy yet. I'm running on borrowed time I tell you. These people drive with hate in there blood. They abuse the road and there cars relentlessly. It's all the more comical because they remind me of Ghandi when you manage to pry them all out from behind the damned wheel. Saints I tell you. Until they sit in that damned car.

    Then it's all over.

     This Blog was created in response to the healthy amount of respect that I have for "Wil Wheaton" AKA Wesely Crusher. His Blog http://www.wilwheaton.net is so incredibly cool that I could not wait to start my own. All I could think about the whole time I was reading it - other than how badly I felt for giving him so much shit behind his back for the Wesely character - was how brutally honest and interesting he really is. I'm actually emberassed for having transfered some of my frustration for what was clearly poor writing, to him as a person. I am thankful that I found it and that I have his site to visit now. Thanks Wil.

    Am I the only one that didn't know that you could access your systems Bios by hitting the delete key? Two weeks of troubleshooting an unsuccesful video card installation wasted. two weeks!

    I could have sworn it was "F2".

    My wife Julie and son Khyan and I had a rough day today. Or maybe it was just me. Fuck if I know how to really distinguish the two anymore. You ever have that problem? The one where your sitting there fuming in the middle of the argument and wondering just who in the hell started it in the first place, although your ninety percent sure that it wasn't you?

    I second guess myself a lot. I'm sensitive to things like people not responding to me, or mistaking something that I said. Especially if that starts an aurgument. I keep going over it in my head over and over and replaying it from different angles trying desperately to see all of the possible interpretations. I've done that here for most of the day and I think that in response I'm going to have to tell that other 10 percent to take a flying leap.

    I was wrong. I do have some important advice.

    New socks are your friends. They remind you of your childhood, and massage your feet. I think we could all use a little of that. So next time your stressed, go to a store and buy some.

God Bless,

Joshua

 I am pretty sure that if one were to ask, God would tell them that he slept in each of those seven mornings. Who wouldn't? I mean, that was a lot of work...harder than what I'm doing here and when I get home I'm going to get some sleep. I'm taking some serious hits right about now. Let me tell you, I can only hope that I have enough energy to carry me through the rest of the watch. I need sleep.

       Good sleep.

       I'm really excited about the possibility of being able to share my thoughts with all of you. I hope that you remain interested in this site. For those of you that are, then keep in mind it's a work in progress. I may be thirty one but I'm still growing. (As a man, as a husband, as a Christian, and as a Sailor) This site will reflect that.

       Take care, stay safe and God Bless for the weekend.

       Joshua